The Lost Eyeball

The Diarrhea Song

I was flying from Minnesota back to Seattle this weekend and my arms were really tired from lifting weights so I bent to put them down and when I looked up I was startled to see a 3 year old girl looking back at me over her seat.  After I drooled some water from being startled, one thing led to another, and before you know we were trading “diarrhea song” stanzas.  But it had been so long that I couldn’t remember more than 5 or 6.  So to prepare myself for the next time this situation arises, I’ve scoured the internet and compiled together a compilation of all the diarrhea stanzas I could find.  And I even made up a few additional ones.  And they’re really good.

 

When you’re sliding into first
And your pants begin to burst
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into second
and your shorts are fuller than you’ve reckoned
diarrhea, diarrhea

when you’re sliding into second
and you feel something beckon
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into third
And you feel a greasy turd
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into home
And your pants are filled with foam
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re on the seat for hours
and it doesn’t smell like flowers
diarrhea, diarrhea

You don’t feel like a winner
when your butt blows out your dinner
diarrhea, diarrhea

I was walking in the attic
and my bum went automatic
diarrhea, diarrhea

You try to hold your breath
as you’re leaking liquid death
diarrhea, diarrhea

Just when you think its gonna stop
you gotta run and get a mop
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re eating tasty nachos
and your pants become gazpacho
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you’re riding in a Pinto
And something flies out the window,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

***Mine***

When the doc’s checking your blood pressure and you have a pre-hypertensive diastolic,
And suddenly your butt blows a Jackson Pollock,
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re trying on a mitten,
And your butt starts spittin’
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re eating some cheese,
And your butt starts to sneeze,
diarrhea, diarrhea
***end of mine****

When you think it’s just a poop
but it comes out like soup
diarrhea, diarrhea

That’s the way it goes
when your butt thinks it’s a hose
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you’re sitting on the pot
And you feel something hot
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re climbing up the ladder
and you hear something splatter
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you’re swimming in a pool
And you feel something cool
diarrhea, diarrhea
When you’re getting in a state
cos’ you’ve left it very late
diarrhea, diarrhea

When it comes out of your bum
like a bullet from a gun
diarrhea, diarrhea

When it runs down your leg
like a scrambled egg
diarrhea, diarrhea

You know its not very funny
but it’s very hot and runny
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sitting in the can,
Paintin’ the bowl tan …
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re in the latrine,
And it comes out runny green.
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your ringpiece is aflame
‘Cos you said a thal was tame
diarrhea, diarrhea

When the bowl you’re pebble dashing,
And brown water is a splashing
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your paper’s running out,
And there is no more about
diarrhea, diarrhea

****Interlude****
These remind me of a most disgusting and disgustingly embarrassing video I saw last year of a girl accidentally diarrheaing in a hot tub.  Don’t watch if you don’t want to see…

***Now on with the song***

When you phone in for a sicky
Because a cough is tricky
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you wake up in your bed
And all thoughts of sleep have fled
diarrhea, diarrhea

when you you’re running a little late
and your bum starts to inflate
diarrhea, diarrhea

when your stomach’s feelin’ sick
and your poo comes out all slick
diarrhea, diarrhea

Wake up in the morning
Put feet on the floor
Do the 50 metre dash to the bathroom door
diarrhea, diarrhea

I was walking down the lane
and I felt a funny pain
diarrhea, diarrhea

so I went behind a bush
and it came out in a rush
diarrhea, diarrhea

It comes out your bum like pedigree chum
diarrhea, diarrhea

I was sitting in a tree
And it trickled on my knee
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re driving in your Chevy
and your shorts are getting heavy
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re driving in your Ford
and your pants are fulla turd
diarrhea, diarrhea

When yer lyin in yer bed
and its runnin down yer leg
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sittin’ on a cushion
and you really feel it pushin’
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your running from a cop
and you hear sumthin plop
diarrhea, diarrhea

When u think your almost home
and you feal a little foam
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you think you look cute
and you feal a liitle poot
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you think you just passed gas
but then you feal sumthin wet in your ass
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your fealing on your tooshie
and you feal squishie
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your workin in the kitchin
and you feal sumthin itchin
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you think your almost there
and you have some time to spare
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your lickin on your sucker
and your ass stars to pucker
diarrhea, diarrhea

I was walkin’ down the hall, and I heard somthing fall,
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sitting in your class
and it’s blowing out your ass
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re looking at a movie
and out comes a poopie.
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re playing with your pet
and your butt is moist and wet
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re playing in the park
and you’re seeing something dark
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re rolling’ like a tire
cuz your intestines are on fire
diarrhea, diarrhea

When the feeling’s not that nice
and you have to flush it twice
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your stomach starts a rollin’
and you’re cleaning out your colon
diarrhea, diarrhea

Toilet paper you need to gather
cuz your butt worked up a lather
diarrhea, diarrhea

You think you’re feeling better
but you keep on getting wetter
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you think your friends are jokin’
but your pants are brown and soakin’
diarrhea, diarrhea

You really want to shout
as it keeps on dripping out
diarrhea, diarrhea

You’re sitting on the pot
cuz it’s coming out a lot
diarrhea, diarrhea

It’s sounds just like a horn
as your butt pops out some corn
diarrhea, diarrhea

You’re there in the huddle
and you’re standing in a puddle
diarrhea, diarrhea

You just made a tackle
and it splattered out like spackle
diarrhea, diarrhea

You’re going out for a pass
and it blows right out your ass
diarrhea, diarrhea

It’s really flowing loose
like it’s running through a goose
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re shopping at the store
and it’s dripping on the floor
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you eat an extra cherry
and your belly’s feeling scary
diarrhea, diarrhea

You’re acting like a fool
and your pants fill up with stool
diarrhea, diarrhea

You really want to play
but your butt begins to spray
diarrhea, diarrhea

You know you’re having trouble
when your butt begins to bubble
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you’re feeling kinda funky
cuz your butt is kinda skunky
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you think you hear it raining
perhaps your butt is draining
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you’re swimming in a pool
and you leave a trail of stool
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your stomach’s really hurting
and your butt it starts a squirting
diarrhea, diarrhea

If your running really fast
cuz it’s squirting out your ass
diarrhea, diarrhea

If your butt’s about to spew
and there’s nothing you can do
diarrhea, diarrhea

Your stomach’s feeling wavy
while your butt is making gravy
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you feel you need to scream
cuz your butt spews out a cream
diarrhea, diarrhea

If your fun begins to fizzle
cuz you feel it start to drizzle
diarrhea, diarrhea

You think you’re gonna fart
but you blow your pants apart
diarrhea, diarrhea

What you thought was just a fart
just made your pants a work of art
diarrhea, diarrhea

If you find a peanut on your pinky
and your finger’s kinda stinky
diarrhea, diarrhea

I can tell by the smell
your not feeling very well
diarrhea, diarrhea

It’s when you strain to hear the words
and the whole theater hears your turds
diarrhea, diarrhea

It’s when you’re foamin’ at the ass
but you’re just laughin’ from the grass
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you weed and feed your grass
with liquid fertilizer ass
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re running in a race
and something splatters in your face
someone else’s
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your stool is kinda loose
Just like grass goin thru a goose
diarrhea, diarrhea

when you eat at pizza hut
and your ass just won’t stay shut
diarrhea, diarrhea

When it hits you in a flash
and you make a gooey splash
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re feeling kinda sick
and you need a toilet quick
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re driving down the road
and you gotta drop a load
diarrhea, diarrhea

No pain, no strain,
just sit and let it drain
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you think you’ve got to fart,
but your butt shoots out a dart
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you wake up in the morning
and your pants are overflowing
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your doing hula hoop
and you squirt a squishy poop
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you start to squeeze your cheeks,
and out your butt it leaks
diarrhea, diarrhea

Some people think it’s gross
but it’s really good on toast
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re playing “pull my finger”
And your butt lets out a zinger
diarrhea, diarrhea

When most of what you excrete
Hits the bottom of the seat
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re dinner party’s spoiled
‘Cause your pants you just have soiled
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you think it’s solid poop
But it feels like Chunky® Soup
diarrhea, diarrhea

You know it’s going to hurt
with each painful, burning squirt
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you feel like you’re in labor
and you need three rolls of toilet paper
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you spread apart your tushy
and it comes out brown and mushy
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you feel the tide a’mountin’
then it’s gushing like a fountain
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your pants smell like ****
and you don’t think you can sit
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you start your flirting
and your ass starts a squirting
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your going down the slide
and You feel SOMETHING glide
diarrhea, diarrhea

You just thought you’d bend down
and now the wall is brown
diarrhea, diarrhea

When all you’ve done is fastin’
and your ass is still a-blastin’
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your surfin’ on the ‘net
and your chair gets hot and wet
diarrhea, diarrhea

When your drivin’ in your Dodge
and your bowels start to dislodge
diarrhea, diarrhea

You make a nasty frown
as your jeans are turnin’ brown
diarrhea, diarrhea

You really get annoyed
cuz its hell on hemmorhoids
diarrhea, diarrhea

Just relaxin’ in the pool
Then your butt begins to drool
diarrhea, diarrhea

When you are driving your hog
and you drop a big log
diarrhea, diarrhea

when you eat a spinach wrap,
and your butt begins to flap’
diarrhea, diarrhea!

It’s painful as it issues
From those hot and burning tissues,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

It’s stinky, brown and smelly
As it chugs out of your belly,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

It’s made of corn and beans
And it comes in shades of greens,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When you’re standin’ in the shower
And you smell somethin sour,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When you smell somethin’ funky
And your pants are feelin chunky,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

Some people think it’s funny,
But it’s good with toast and honey,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When the cops are on your trail,
And you have a monkey tail,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When you feel a big sag
And people want to gag,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

If you’re sliding on a slide,
And you feel something glide,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

After you eat Chinese
And you hear your ass say, PLEASE!
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When you eat a Big Mac
And you feel something crack
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When your ass is very hairy
And you feel a dinkleberry,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When you’re sitting in your chair
And you feel something tear,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

Diarrhea, diarrhea!
When you’re watchin’ TV
And it feels like a pee
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When you’re sitting in the dirt,
And you feel something squirt,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When you’re swimming in the ocean
and you feel an explosion,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

When you are sitting in the bath
and you hear a big ol’ splash..
diarrhea, diarrhea!

If you’re riding into town
And you see something brown,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

If you’re riding in a taxi
And you feel something waxy,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

If you’re driving in a Ford
And something pops out of a board,
diarrhea, diarrhea!

If you have a cat
And you see some scat,
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

If you feel you need to defecate
But you just can’t wait,
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

I was digging with a shovel
And I felt something bubble,
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

When you’re hootin’ with the owls,
And you have to move your bowels,
Diarrhea! Diarrhea!

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